Last night I was walking home when a faint voice got my attention. I looked toward the houses on my left and saw a boy looking at me sitting on the steps of a house.
“What’s that?” I asked back.
“You know what time it is?” he asked.
“8:30”, I responded to the young man with glasses and dreadlocks.
He responded with a down-on-his-luck, “Oh”. And he assumed his closed-body, knees-near-his-face posture.
I took a step toward their gate and asked him if he was waiting for someone. He affirmed, and I approached to see if there was some other way to get him in his house. He said there wasn’t, so I thought, “what now?” I wanted to do the right thing but wondered how/if my involvement might make the situation worse. Do I call the police to supervise the young man until his parents arrive?
Na. I decided to just keep talking to him.
I found out his mom told him to meet him home at 8:00. He said this has happened to him before and that he usually runs to the store to get some food while waiting. This time, though, he didn’t have any money. I asked if he was hungry, and he nodded while simply looking downward.
“That’s not good”, I thought, a great way to prepare for school tomorrow. (Turns out, actually, the school year started last week for this brand new 6th grader.)
I had another set of thoughts: do I take him to the store? Do I take him to my place to get some food? I decided to offer to bring him back some food, him being only two blocks from my home, but he was sure in his refusal. “No, that’s okay,” he said.
I asked where his mom and dad were–with friends? working? He said no, and that he didn’t know. They also had the only key. I asked if he had any brothers or sisters. His brother is with his dad, he said, and added he couldn’t go there. I asked him if he likes living here and if there’s food in the house. He said he does and there is.
After five-ten minutes of chat, I got Javonte’s name, gave him mine, and wished him well. Knowing his age and sizing up the mature young man, I figured he’d be alright.
An hour later I walked back with a granola bar and a ginger ale. Turning the corner, I saw his house steps empty. But there also weren’t any lights on. Maybe his mom and dad came home late from a church council meeting and went right to bed to ready for work and school the next day; maybe they came home, felt bad that they left their 11 year old son alone and locked out, and so took him to Pizza Hut; most likely, though, he got sick of waiting, and decided to walk around or to go someplace else.
***
I know the first thing that came to my mind in this situation was, “What’s the matter with his parents?” But I don’t play the role of finger-pointer very well, so I went to, “How can we prevent this kind of thing from happening down the road?”
Why do parents parent poorly? What kind of lessons did they learn growing up? What substance might they be hooked on? Is there a way to motivate parents to care for their kids more? What motivates them to neglect their children? Is it something society isn’t doing? Is it something society is doing?
Perhaps the biggest question: Will Javonte grow up to repeat this kind of parenting? Maybe he’ll be the opposite because of the disappointment he experienced as a boy.
The other point I pondered as I walked home with my granola bar and ginger ale in my hands was about the power of an experience to open one’s heart. This hearkens to my post a couple weeks back about the Little League parents who donated to the Ugandan team who didn’t have many supplies when they came to compete in the Little League World Series. I found it funny that these parents made all this effort now when these boys from Uganda had been without all this equipment their whole lives.
But similarly, my edible contributions would be greatly appreciated at the food shelf, but not until I interacted with Javonte was I so motivated to act.
When it comes to donating, those who don’t give aren’t always selfish or cheap. Sometimes, we just need a little direct exposure. Once I had that experience, I wanted to help.
Most of all, though, I’d love to know the reasons his mom and dad left their 11 year old stranded on the steps on their house. Then I’d like to figure out the best way–if any–to address these issues.
to new plateaus,
-Brandon
This is a really tough one – I’d be concerned for the kid as well.
Depending on how much time I had and how scary the street was, I’d maybe consider going to the convenience store and getting him a Sprite/water and a healthy snack – and then sitting there with him.
But there are risks to that – it might scare him that you’re sitting there, or other people might call the cops on YOU, or when the parent got home, she might get really upset.
As a woman, I would have an easier time diffusing that sort of situation – I could smile and say nicely “Oh, I was just walking home and noticed your son was all alone. I know that if I was running late and knew my son was waiting for me, I’d be frantic. So I thought I’d keep him company until you got home”
The key would be to be as non-threatening and non-judgmental as possible. That means sealed beverages and snacks that are obviously not tampered with – and making sure to sit in plain sight. A card game would be a good option – it means that you’re not talking to the kid about uncomfortable subjects and would be fun for him. And to not judge when the mom gets home – because you really don’t know what is going on.
It’s hard to tell why the kid was alone – but it happens – and I wouldn’t assume neglect or uncaring parents. My parents were upper-middle class – and my brother and I were almost always home alone after school because my parents were at work. Granted, we had a key and lived in a safer neighborhood – but they still felt that I was responsible enough as a 6th grader to to trust at home with my brother when something came up.
The fact is, we don’t know what was holding Mom up. She could be in the Service industry at a restaurant and it was busy later than usual. Or there could have been another reason she couldn’t leave work. This might not be a bad parenting issue – it could be a single mom doing the best she can to earn enough money to have that apartment for her kid. When you look at societies worldwide, it’s always the women who invest everything they have back in their kids. Men are more likely to blow earnings on cigarettes and alcohol.
For that situation, I’d say to keep the kid company if he looked like he needed it, and to assume that his mom was unexpectedly tied up. If you saw it happening over and over again, then I’d call the police. But most likely, his mom was frantic and worried – and when she got back, she might have taken him out for a treat to say sorry. Who knows?
Like Katie said, it’s hard to know why he was out there. His mom could have been doing a bunch of errands and got detained or stuck in traffic. On the other hand, both women and men can be lousy parents (or wonderful parents), so it’s hard to know one way or the other.
It does, however, seem like it bothers him. It would have been nice for him to at least have a key to the house so he could get inside and watch TV or have a snack while waiting for his mom.
l like Katie’s idea, too, about grabbing a snack and sitting with him until his mom came back. I can also understand why you might feel uncomfortable doing that, but I think if it was pretty casual and you kept some distance, it might not seem threatening.
As for now, I suppose you could tuck a note into their mailbox saying that you noticed him out there and had a conversation with him and would have been glad to have hung out until they came home but you didn’t know if the parent(s) would be comfortable with that. You could leave your phone number and say you would be happy to help out if they ever needed someone to get him a snack or visit with him until a parent could make it home. It’s kind of touchy, but I think you could tone it down a bit by explaining a bit more about who you are and how you observe people. You could print out a few of your blog posts! 🙂
Thanks, Laurie. That’s a good idea. I’ll let you know if I bump into him again. 🙂
SO SAD about this boy. But actually is that the fact of lotsa of parent are still kids mentally without knowing how to love, but for survival in the society, they need to learn everyting as other would performed at the same young age. As time goes, the unknows sub-conscious raw ways will affact on the perspects on education and generation relationships. Careless will appear. How can a child,a big child take care of the their child?
Again, sometimes we need to consider more about others, if you are the child been poorly taken care of, will you be upset? If parents can think deeper, with more responsibility on ur future blood. You will know how to do.